Joy + Struggle

Last week, I was talking to a good friend of mine.  

One of those quick talks (because we both now have kids) with an old friend where you just get right to the heart of it quickly.

 

“The heart of it” for me – I was (still am) feeling REALLY overwhelmed.  

 

Overwhelmed with needing to manage a lot at work right now, with not being able to spend more time with my baby, with struggling to be fully present at work, with my baby being on-and-off sick for a month now, with me being on-and-off sick for a month because of my baby…. just generally feeling like I'm not “on top of it” in ANY areas of my life. 

 

I was also feeling bad that I was feeling bad about all of it.

As some of you know, we spent what felt like FOREVER going through fertility and ultimately IVF…. and now that we have Alice, we feel like we have everything we wanted!  So - I've recently been asking myself, if Alice brings me so much joy, then why am I struggling??

 

My dear friend said that joy and struggle can coexist.

 

Such a weird concept - being happy and sad at the same time.  

• Being so in awe of the tiny life (Alice!) that I get to be a part of, while mourning the loss of who I was before being a mom.
• Being so overwhelmed with work, yet so proud of where I am in my career and with Paper Thistle.
• Feeling like I can't spend as much time in certain relationships, but feeling grateful those relationships have such a strong foundation.
• Feeling like I'm accomplishing nothing right now, while also sustaining a tiny human life. 

 

It's uncomfortable for me right now, having joy + struggle coexist.  

 

So, that's what I'm working on as we are about to head into the weekend - getting comfortable that at the exact same time things can be so beautiful while also so messy and imperfect.